Today was the first day of a three-quarters of a week trip into the middle of those United States. It's a long story as to why I'm here, and just explaining the itirerary looses people, but suffice to say that I am, at the moment of this writing, in Cedar City, Utah, and twelve hours ago, I was in Burbank, waiting for a flight to Las Vegas.
Oh, and I'm with my family. And I've had a soar throat and dry, stuffy nose since Tuesday. I found myself saying "It hurts to swallow" to friends when they ask me how I am. They open their mouths to say something tacky about that. "Don't!" I say preemptively.
I'm not complaining. Really. This is what not complaining looks like.
One thing I'm definitely not complaining about is the scenery. We drove the 15 from Las Vegas through Mesquite and across the boarder to our current location, and the mountain ranges we passed through were truly stunning. My brother was trying to get me to watch the Robin Hood TV series (on MY laptop) but the only time I could take my eyes off of the a view outside the back passenger window for any extended length of time was the shirtless male bondage interlude in episode two.
I couldn't focus on the terrible dialogue and slightly better costumes. I was too busy planning my post-apocalyptic remake of 'Hidden Fortress,' to be shot in those amazing red and pink and beige hills. Plenty of shirtless male bondage oportunities there.
Cedar City closes up early, as I suspect most towns do in this part of the world. We stopped in a convenience store that closes at 10 PM. Before that, we were at a Mexican restaurant that closed at 9. The whole place seems to be devided into quadrants of track homes, each with a church in the center. Each church is red or brown with a white colonial spire. As far as I can tell, you can't really walk anywhere.
Watching Comedy Central in the hotel room, I have one question: Why are the Girls Gone Wild adds so loud and so freakin' long? Those aren't TV spots, those are . It's reassuring that, deep in the heart of Utah, you can still see them deviding up segments of The Colbert Report, South Park and The Daily Show. Wherever you go in America, you can still find Comedy Central. When the world ends, there will be cockroaches, Comedy Central and Starbucks.
The hotel has Comedy Central and Adult Swim. And a fitness center that's open twenty-four hours. I will get over this cold. I'm not complaining.
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