I'm staying up late to watch Hollywood Canteen on TCM, a 1944 musical comedy written and directed by Delmer Daves, and starring everyone and their mother who was under contract at Warner Brothers at that time.
Robert Hutton plays a GI named 'Slim' who shows up in Hollywood with a buddy. His Bronx-born buddy goes off to drink and Slim wanders around in a montage sequence that features every miracle mile intersection possible. Its the kind of montage that you would only get if you've ever actually spent a fair amount of time in Hollywood, so I have a feeling signs for Sunset and Cahuenga went over Middle America's heads. After doing that, Slim is hungry and goes to a full lunch counter where the customers are all rude to him and the counter man sasses him, a sequence that seems less 1944 and more 1969. All they need is for an extra at the end of the bar to yell "Baby killer!" and this movie would be ageless.
So Slim finds his way to the Hollywood Canteen, and nelly-ass Joe E. Brown is holding court at the entrance, surrounded by sailors who are totally in heat for his autograph. I swear Brown does not actually make a single joke, and he has probably three facial expressions, but the laughs from the extras around him seem to come naturally. I hope they all got SAG vouchers for that one.
Jane Wyman (looking very tan and dark-haired) shows Slim to the counter, where there is A) no line and B) Barbara Stanwyck doling out slop. She and Slimster flirt back and forth in what is the first really magical moment of the movie. Getting the moves put on you by Barbara Stanwyck must have been a uniquely intimidating and exciting experience, and this is the closest I will ever get. Thanks Hollywood Canteen!
One of the busboys is drop-dead handsome John Garfield. He and Slim start chatting and it's homoeroticism at first sight. Garfield vows to find golden woman Joan Leslie to sacrifice to the Slim.
Slim keeps wandering around asking other famous people where Joan Leslie is. Not creepy at all, right? And even though the place is jam packed, they have plenty of time to help him. When Joan Leslie shows up to work dressed in a shimmering cape (what else you gonna wear to night shift?), Bette Davis grabs her and gets her to say yes to meeting him.
Some other musical numbers.
Slim finally meets Joan Leslie. And naturally it's love at first sight. Joan is stunning and the scene between them is beautiful and understated, one of those scenes that makes you wish that all of one's life could be a 1940's movie. Also three words concerning Bette Davis that I can take home from this whole interlude: Best. Wingman. Ever.
John Garfield is being a voyeur i mean gazing longingly at Slim I mean love's young dream happening over in the corner. One stern look from Bette Davis snaps him right out of it.
A soldier hits on Eddie Cantor. Eddie discovers that he's not that funny, and that the young people don't know who he is any more. He and Nora Martin do a song. Then Eddie invites a sailor up and gives him a kiss and makes a gay joke at his expense.
S.Z. Sakall's face gets molested (and roughly) by three different soldiers who he calls 'gheneral.' I cover my lap. What is this movie doing to me?
The Sons of the Pioneers appear and sing something. Roy Rogers rides in on Trigger and the extras part like the Red Sea, which would TOTALLY happen in real life (as SO sanitary ). He makes trigger 'bow.' That is SSOOOOO Tom Mix in 1925. He asks Trigger for a kiss. I never ever again want to hear a human say of a horse "He sure kisses juicy!" Roy sings Don't Fence Me In. Then he jumps back on Trigger and makes Trigger "dance" which is cute at first, but the extras standing look less enchanted and more nervous.
Slim FINALLY has an "I will never wash this hand" moment.
Ida Lupino invites a GI to sit down and pretends to be nice to him and show him "the ropes." He tries to give her a French lesson. She humors him so bad it's cruel. Then a French sailor comes up and asks for her autograph. Is this the Hollywood Canteen or the Mustang Ranch.
For a time when Hollywood was ruled by soft-focus and Max Factor, Ida Lupino is a shining beacon of natural beauty.
There's that French sailor again! Chatting up faux blond Irene Manning.
Patty Andrews looks like a man.
Peter Lorre is Sydney Greenstreet's mini-me, peering out from under the crook of Greenstreet's arm. They also talk to each other like pedophile wingmen scoping out a playground, only with less of an understanding of "personal space." Yes, I know Delmer Daves is doing all this on purpose, but it feels so dirty to watch.
Patty Andrews encourages drinking your tallboy with a straw.
Paul Henreid gets hit on by the GI who thinks he knows French. But Paul is more interested in Irish battle axe Mary Gordon. At least that's what Mary thinks until she leaves them alone and they start talking about rubbing noses and animal instinct.
French GI corners Alexis Smith. She's not having any of that nose-rubbin' talk.
Dennis Morgan: "Excuse me fellas but I gotta be a douche bag and go out and do a patriotic song." (By the way, I'm paraphrasing) Also, the term "a spade's a spade" is still racist.
Every patriotic song needs a chorus of people from the kitchen.
Morgan can't carry the number on his own, so Joe E. Brown comes out again and does his thing. He actually manages to look LESS gay when he's sauntering around to different tables with GIs and singing. Oh, and he finds the Asians in the audience.
The French Guido has a homo moment with a HAWT blond sailor who he thinks is Alexis Smith.
"I like these novelty bands that play music the way it's written!" What?!?
I know this is a little bit gay, but LOVES ME the Joan Crawford. If she walked up to me and asked me to dance, I would faint too.
The boys are back at the camp, having a bunkside chat. Gayer! They're talking about democracy. Gayer!
OMG, Farmer's Market! Been there! Oh, and Joan Leslie shops there! Dressed like Heidi!
Aw, Slim and Joan Leslie, sittin' in a tree. The Frenchman can't take it.
The guys aparently were jonesing for the HC so they're back again the third night in a row. And they think they're going to have their millionth man walk through the doors that night. So now we have some exposition about how the different studio departments all contributed, yaddiyaddayadda...
Finally there is a line of people at the entrance. Tension must be built, you see. Slim is the millonth man (surprise!) and he gets kissed by every junior hostess in the house (surprise!). "You didn't know you were somebody special, did you, corporal?"
Bette Davis has the right to pimp out any actress to the millionth man for the weekend. He chooses... Joan Leslie. And of course Slim doesn't forget his best friend. He gets to dance with Dolores Moran, who apparently has really good "give." Oh, and Joan Leslie shows us she can sing. And then they get rice thrown on them as a joke.
Slim is so taken he can't drive straight. Cute.
A 'rice' rumor starts to circulate. Joan Leslie still lives with her folks, who next door to the Shaggy Dog. She apparently is also in the habit of taking men to her home at night before she's married them. Slim just wants to talk though, cuz you know, he's not much of a romantic. And stuff... That's exactly what they end up doing. It's a pretty adorable scene.
Sexy room service girls tell Slim he's married to Joan Leslie. They go to the studio, and Slim can't bare to watch Joan Leslie kiss her scene partner Zachary Scott. It turns out, she really is into him, and wants him to come to dinner with her parents. I feel like I don't need to watch any more of this movie.
Millionth man's friend gets shown around the studio and they stealth-boom him up on a camera crane after he wanders into a 'Ballet Girls Dressing Room.' Then there's a ballet number that is very 'Wedding of the Painted Doll' only slightly less embarrassingly antiquated, and with ballet sailors and a lot of upskirt.
We meet Joan Leslie's family. Her sister is played by her real sister, who looks like the chick from Gambling with Souls. Her parents are played by impostors.
Joseph Szigeti plays 'Flight of the Bumblebee' which, if you believe this movie and Radio Days, was the most popular song in all of World War II. Bette Davis seems really unsure of her announcements. She introduces a second act, and the principals spend most of it arguing about who is a better performer. Sorry, too boring, I'm fast-forwarding.
There's some cute samba music. Dolores Moran and Frenchy sneak off to to go bang up at Hollywoodland. There's a Spanish dance number I also wasn't interested in. Slim has a monologue, and proves he can't pronounce Czechloslovakia. We are treated to a rousing Rainbow Nation montage of everyone sitting at the Hollywood Canteen. Kitty Carlisle asks for a request from Slim as he leaves, and ends up doing a reprise of the song Joan Leslie sang the night before.
Slim waits a little longer, but Joan Leslie isn't anywhere to be found. Somebody tells him he's just being used, but he writes her a note saying he doesn't care either way. Meanwhile, she's stuck at what appears to be the same gas station from Assassin of Youth.
OMG! Union Station! I've been there! And Joan Leslie makes it to say goodbye. They promise to keep on dreaming about each other. Another adorably smaltzy movie that I totally loved.
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